I get caught up real bad. Especially on things that don’t matter. This is not an occurrence I take pride in – but it happens all the same. I wish there was a word for ‘getting caught up in someone else’. And maybe there is and I just haven’t found it yet.
I take count, and score, and tally. If something is off today from what it was the day before then I take it as a reflection of myself. For example, you aren’t talking to me as much as a week ago, I feel rejected. You aren’t being as affectionate or interested, I feel rejected. What did I do wrong and more importantly, How can I nag you and make you feel smothered?
Because, folks, that’s what I do. If someone pulls away from me after having been there for so long and so hard – i tend to try and claw my way back into their lives as if by some miracle that will attract them back.
Insider info: My girlfriend and I have now been together 1 year and 3 months. We met and go to school at the same college. This past Fall semester she studied abroad in Italy. All was good despite the 6 hour time difference. She needed me then, because she was alone in a foreign country and knew she wouldn’t see me for awhile. Now that she’s back (she’s visited me for a few days around New Year’s) she’s been distant and acting like she’s too busy for me. She says that because she knows she’ll see me in a week or so she’s okay with focusing on other things she needs to get done. And I get all of that – it’s just hard to go from wanting to be talked to at any time of day I could to barely being talked to and feeling like a chore when she does.
Well, the last few days it ate away at me until I talked to her last night. And of course I feel like it just made things worse, because she’ll just feel guilty or push me away if I’m too needy.
I just get suspicious of her changing! Haha – I sound like a nagging bitch, don’t I? I’ll never judge those kind of girlfriends again..
How do I get a life like I had it before Italy happened? Why has the long distance changed me into this kind of girlfriend? How do I focus on myself, my future, and school when my priority is her?
And more importantly – she was kind of the clingy girlfriend when we were at school and over the summer and also this past semester while she was away. She says now she’ll be less clingy because she got used to being away. To me this just says she’s less attracted to me now and doesn’t like me as much.
As if I deserve this.. This has been the relationship from hell. And somehow she feels secure in the relationship and I am the one grovelling? How’d I manage that?
Tell me I’m crazy. Please.