I have realized I do everything quietly. And the things I care most about I am the most quiet. I became a vegetarian quietly. I became a good student quietly. I accomplish things quietly. And I think that I can attribute this to my underachiever self before college.

My underachiever self was lazy and chubby and a procrastinator. I would proclaim many things I wanted but would seldom go after them.

As a maturing adult, it is obvious to me why I would want to keep myself under wraps. I want what I do and say to mean something and I do not like braggers.

But, it alienates me. I do not receive praise or gratitude. I don’t even necessarily want those things, but sometimes people underestimate me, which in turn cause me to underestimate myself. It’s a vicious cycle I know.

 

so we got to the problem.

let’s start with the quotables: she said she’s felt prssured to be with me. she has felt pressure to be with me ever since my best friend went missing and died at the beginning of last year. she said that’s when it started. and since i’m graduating a year earlier than her, she feels pressure to stay with me and make it work.

i wonder how this hasn’t been brought up earlier than now. like maybe, i don’t know – - a year ago?

it’s just the most selfish, undesirable, ridiculous, maddening thing anyone has ever said or done to me. maybe i didn’t need her as a girlfriend then, did she ever think of that? maybe i just needed a friend who gave a damn.

i tried to break up with her and she kind of won’t let me. i don’t know why i can’t break it off officially with her.

and another thing that has been swirling in my head since our talk/argument was that she said she’s not breaking up with me. LIKE, OH WOW, THANKS! Haha, i’m psychotic for staying. i am absolutely psychotic. if i get a decent response to this post, if you can make sense of it, that tells me to leave.. i just might take that as a sign. and i will.

pressure

— n
1.	the state of pressing or being pressed
2.	the exertion of force by one body on the surface of another
3.	a moral force that compels: to bring pressure to bear
4.	an urgent claim or demand or series of urgent claims or demands: to work under pressure
5.	a burdensome condition that is hard to bear: the pressure of grief

Sometimes, Sometimes

I get caught up real bad. Especially on things that don’t matter. This is not an occurrence I take pride in – but it happens all the same. I wish there was a word for ‘getting caught up  in someone else’. And maybe there is and I just haven’t found it yet.

I take count, and score, and tally. If something is off today from what it was the day before then I take it as a reflection of myself. For example, you aren’t talking to me as much as a week ago, I feel rejected. You aren’t being as affectionate or interested, I feel rejected. What did I do wrong and more importantly, How can I nag you and make you feel smothered?

Because, folks, that’s what I do. If someone pulls away from me after having been there for so long and so hard – i tend to try and claw my way back into their lives as if by some miracle that will attract them back.

Insider info: My girlfriend and I have now been together 1 year and 3 months. We met and go to school at the same college. This past Fall semester she studied abroad in Italy. All was good despite the 6 hour time difference. She needed me then, because she was alone in a foreign country and knew she wouldn’t see me for awhile. Now that she’s back (she’s visited me for a few days around New Year’s) she’s been distant and acting like she’s too busy for me. She says that because she knows she’ll see me in a week or so she’s okay with focusing on other things she needs to get done. And I get all of that – it’s just hard to go from wanting to be talked to at any time of day I could to barely being talked to and feeling like a chore when she does.

Well, the last few days it ate away at me until I talked to her last night. And of course I feel like it just made things worse, because she’ll just feel guilty or push me away if I’m too needy.

I just get suspicious of her changing! Haha – I sound like a nagging bitch, don’t I? I’ll never judge those kind of girlfriends again..

How do I get a life like I had it before Italy happened? Why has the long distance changed me into this kind of girlfriend? How do I focus on myself, my future, and school when my priority is her?

And more importantly – she was kind of the clingy girlfriend when we were at school and over the summer and also this past semester while she was away. She says now she’ll be less clingy because she got used to being away. To me this just says she’s less attracted to me now and doesn’t like me as much.

As if I deserve this.. This has been the relationship from hell. And somehow she feels secure in the relationship and I am the one grovelling? How’d I manage that?

Tell me I’m crazy. Please.

So, I’ll believe the words the singer wrote because you told me to listen to him. And I’ll believe the words you say because you give me so little to hear anyway. But I won’t give in to the voice inside that says take care of yourself, don’t worry for your pride.

confusion meets distraction meets confusion

i hate the moments when i feel alone. not just lonely, but helpless and empty. void of every comfort. i hate that my soul needs so much just to operate. why do i need to feel loved and accepted and enough all the time? people change. i know because i’ve seen it and i’ve seen myself do it, many times over.

but what about when all this has to do with love? when you see your partner changing and you don’t know whether to turn around and run or conform to it or accept it.

i think i’m okay with change in myself and change in general, but i take things way too seriously. i’d love to give details – and maybe i should – about my relationship.

i’m just on the precipice of everything right now. i have one semester left of school – does that mean i lose my friends who won’t be graduating with me? does that mean my relationship ends by default? how long before i land my first job? how alone will i really feel?

i don’t want to be scared and anxious for the whole of my last semester in college.. but how am i going to deal with this?

my relationship and the daily status of it worries me constantly. how can something that’s supposed to make you happy make you so distracted. i’ve never fully given in and trusted that she loves me. so it’s a daily struggle to convince myself that she does. and that i do in return.

maybe my/our time is up. or maybe i’m just freaking out.

i wish i could tell the future because i would love to know what would lead me to happiness. i need it so badly and would not mind fighting for just that, but i need to know i’m not fighting for something else because i’m too scared to accept happiness.

she had gone away, and this time i couldn’t follow her. she had been going away for some time – mostly to school, as would i. i would chase her texts and calls, pin down her skype chats and crawl into her voice. and as i write this i’m noticing how romantic i’m getting, but i do not mean to. there’s nothing romantic about being dead. there’s nothing romantic about capital letters either but people keep using them anyway.

i die alongside her every time i hear her voice in my ears or mistake a stranger for my fallen friend. fallen from what exactly i do not know. i wish more than you that i did.

and even now – nine months later – i can’t locate where the pain pulses and stops. i just know that sometimes i can’t keep it from leaking out onto my bare skin and drooping from my unguarded eyes.

i hope to god, our most unaware, bespoken god, that no one may find my barren chest. it beats and pumps blood, thumping behind my caging ribs. but i swear to you there is less to find behind my chest with each day passing.

i could be numb or i could be dead. and maybe this is what it means to live. or maybe i’ve given up. or maybe i’m dramatic or romantic – or maybe i just want my friend back.

me

Thank you participators!

Thanks for commenting – along with brightening my day and reassuring some of my faith in humanity you are also exhibiting what cute, awesome people you are for appeasing me!!

 

alivebecause: Umbrella

What comes to mind is protection. It’s another way that humans separate themselves from nature. It’s also the name of a song by Rhianna that my mom absolutely hates, haha. Great word, thanks! Hope you’re having a great day!

kiwidutch: Gratitude

Gratitude is a tricky thing. Some people have forgotten that they are not the only humans in this world. It takes a village and an army to make ourselves into who we are supposed to become. If more people expressed gratitude to the people who deserve it most maybe this world wouldn’t seem so big. We’re all in it together. Say Thank you. Thanks for the word, have a great day!

 

Submit more words and I’ll write ‘em out all day! If not, I hope you’re all enjoying this amazing Monday!

Drop me a word in the comment box.

Literally ONE word. And I will write about what comes to mind when I saw it. Since I’ve got one last final paper to write tonight, I’ll write them out tomorrow..

Get to work.

how to remember.

that moment when you realize you’re enjoying yourself more than you should

with things you shouldn’t be doing.

Slipping into sleek shadows that hang over corners

and

you don’t know how to stop

you’ve been

holding back and holding on

too long, you

cry inside for the past and you hold on tighter to everything that you end up

suffocating your life.

how terribly painful it is now to live

and yet you have barely

only just

begun

to live.

don’t give me advice i can’t follow, and roll off your own life, only to turn around and hurt me, or was it my fault this time? i don’t know what to feel because i can’t distinguish between self-inflicted and that harsh, harsh external reality that cuts me more deeply than anything i could have ever imagined.

yogahhoommm

Yoga. It’s such a cute word for such a great practice.

Just finished my own self-guided yoga session. And I feel amazing.

I’m shaky, but relaxed. And most of all – famished. So, I’m going to go make some homemade black bean burgers. Yum yum.

What do you guys do for yoga, is anybody vegetarian?

 

Starting O.V.E.R.

I am a grande supporter of cleaning out the old, tired elements of my life and ushering in all sorts of new things.

HENCE: The new layout!

HENCE: Deleting all my old posts!

I have not posted on WordPress in ions, decades, millenia and for these reasons: I have been creeping and crawling through my senior year and I’ve been a busy, busy bee.

I don’t know what I want this blog to be anymore – since I have a Facebook, Tumblr (shaunadacus.tumblr.com), and a Twitter (Freeasanowl). I chat with friends on one, explore images and express short thoughts on the other, and twitter is just a clusterfuck of both at this point. So, maybe this can be my creative outlet of poetry, opinion, and prose? We’ll see and I’ll try not to bore all of you!